i don't know about anyone else...

but sometimes i don't realize how opportune some moments are, until they've passed.

Speaking in generalities. Americans are never content. When it's summer, we want winter. When it's winter we want summer. When we get some, we want more. We're always wanting one thing to be over so we can move onto the next. We're always wanting the hard things to be over, and with all of the hard things all we want is for the world to stop brinigng us down... and just get done and move on... but i guess we are where we are for a reason.  Yet, we still get impatient. We forget to pause and dwell on the beautiful things in life. The simple things. We have such a hard time understanding how much we have... and an equally hard time understanding how little others have. We're blessed to live in America right? Yet at the same time, we're equally unblessed. we're free and whatever... but we get so used to living that way, and we don't see the ugly side of life. we've never experienced the ugly side of life.. and we can't understand how people who have absolutely nothing have the joy they do. We can have it all, and still be uncontent.

After I say goodbye to someone, the drive home is always peaceful and beautiful. I guess most would expect it to be like the movies where you're standing in the rain expecting life to just get worse now that that person is gone... but it's never been like that for me. Everytime i say goodbye, the sun is shining and the air is brisk and clear. Today as I left the airport, the sun was just coming up. The air was crisp, and the fields were shining the remains of last yeras crops.. Something about that comforted me.

Airports mean goodbye... and i'm no good at goodbyes. Something always hits me, something is not quite right. I know in my head that it's right for that person to be going on to bigger and better things, but in my heart, i just want to hold on. This morning I felt it was an 9 month replay of this summer, except this time, there have not been tears. yet. I guess you could say i'm attached, and I am. I always hate it when my brother takes his next step in life. Maybe it's a bit of jealousy. Maybe it's a bit of curiosity. Maybe it's the fact that after someone close to me leaves, there's a void in my heart that no one else, other than that person, can fill. I'm not just talking about my brother, but everyone who leaves. I envy them because they get to leave, but that envy lasts about two seconds until i realise, oh my... they're gone.

Saying goodbye has never been easy, but for some reason or another, it's getting a little easier. I'm upset about Jonathan leaving today, and i'm sad about the seniors leaving in a few months... but I know that Jonathan needs to be on his ship, and i know that the seniors need to go to college. I guess maybe my love is maturing. I'm realizing that love isn't holding on, but doing what's best for that person... and if the best thing for them is to leave... then i need to realize that's what God holds for them... and that when He closes a door, someway or another, he opens a window.

So... here i am, sitting at our table, avoiding studying for the 8th term in a row... and it's one o clock in the morning. People just left a few minutes ago after studying for physics, history, and a little math. Funny how much effort we put into one little grade...
At any rate, as i think about studying, i'm constantly being shifted in thought. I guess it's my own little way to just get away from handouts, study guides, and outlines, and focus on more interesting things. Now, don't get me wrong, i'm not saying that the potential energy in heat isn't interesting, i'm just saying that my time can be better spent. From Jacob Lawrence to thousands of formulas on latent heat, and energy, i'm constantly being reminded of what's most important to me.
Not school. Basically anything other than school. i'm not saying that school isn't a priority. It is... and i know i'm called to be a student, but if i have a choice of reading about a thousand artists, or thinking about small little things that are very pointless, but yet make me smile,
 i'm all for the thinking.
But what is important to me would have to be the obvious things. The small things. The things that wake me up in the morning... that get me out of bed. That keep me going when everything seems completely messed up. Knowing that here i am handed yet another day to glorify Jesus, and that all i need is Him. Amen. and Amen.
I guess in the long run, i just don't know what to do with myself. I care about my grades, but i don't care at all. I want to do somethings, but i hate them being a necessity. I hate feeling pressure to do something that i may not want to do. who knows. maybe i'm just a load of paradox's... all i got is...
 "do not fear little flock, for the Father has chosen gladly to give you the kingdom."
and i can rest in that tonight.